Costly Love
Introduction
How would you define love?
I love my wife… I love tacos. Is that the same love? Caroline is like… I hope not.
Is love simply a feeling? If so, what do you do when the feeling of love towards someone begins to fade?
Is love appreciation for someone for what they’ve done, what they provide? “Oh, I love you so much” we say after someone does something nice for us.
But if these are all how we view love, the common denominator of them all is love is contingent upon something it requires something else to exist.
If these certain conditions are met - I love. When these conditions are not met, I do not love. And now, most of us wouldn’t say that’s how we view love in our life. But I think our responses betray us.
Are we not all tempted for our love to rise and fall of other people based on how easy or hard it is to give that love?
For us to define, what is Christian love, we have to look to Jesus.
Jesus says in Matthew 5:43:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
Two big reasons why loving others can be hard:
The other person makes it difficult
The circumstances make it difficult - to love is taxing when im already at empty. hard cost to pay.
This word that Jesus uses to describe the type of love we ought to have as Christians, as followers of Him, is agape - you may have heard of that Greek word. But that type of love is defined as this:
An unconditional, selfless choice to seek the well-being of others, modeled after God's own nature towards us.
It is unconditional - there is no condition that must be met for my love to be towards another. And it is a selfless choice for the well being of someone else.
Well now this brings up some difficulty, doesn’t it? What do you do when:
The person to love is an annoying and incompetent co-worker?
The person to love does not love me back? They don’t seem to care about my well-being?
Or the person I am supposed to love requires so much patience.
Or perhaps the cost to love someone seems very high in time, energy, or sacrifice?
How do you love when love is costly?
Big qualifier - loving hard people takes immense wisdom. If someone is abusing you what it means to love them is not stay in abusive moments. If someone is always belittling you, what it means to love them is not just be a total pushover. Sometimes love means you have to stand your grand, and say hard things in love, and put yourself and your family in safety from abusive people - because remember, our definition was selfless choices to seek the well-being of others. Sometimes that means standing up, saying true things- but how you do that and how you act after that, well that’s the question of love isn’t it.
And so if as we talk about costly love, know it will take a lot of wisdom and help from trusted friends to discern what love looks like in certain really complex and hard situations. So I would encourage you to talk to me, or a friend about it. Sometimes we are blinded in the moment and need help seeing.
How Do We Actually Love When It Costs Us?
Let’s get in the mind and heart of the hearers of this letter - and so if I’m in the church and I hear this section of the letter - you know what’s coming to my mind?
Paul - how do you rejoice in your sufferings for us? You’re in prison for spreading the gospel and you rejoice in that? I struggle to love my co-worker and you go to prison for us?
How do you love at such sacrifice to yourself?
So we have 3 points today that will frame our time:
1. Paul Rejoices in Paying the Price for Costly Love
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for you.”
What’s the cost for Paul for loving the Gentile church? Suffering through jail.
This sounds like something the Bible would say, but think about how counter-cultural this is and counter to our own experiences with suffering. Paul is saying I rejoice in sufferings.
What is fun about suffering? No one’s typical response to difficulty in life is to rejoice. Why does Paul rejoice?
Well look at the following words, for you. Paul is in prison, probably Rome. People don’t like that He is spreading the message of the resurrected Jesus and his teachings, but He is spreading this message and it’s landed him in jail.
And Paul says, In this jail sentence, I rejoice… why? Because it’s for your good. It is benefiting you.
Does that sound like our definition of Christian love?
An unconditional, selfless choice to seek the well-being of others, modeled after God's own nature towards us.
How so is this suffering benefiting others?
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for you, and I am completing in my flesh what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for his body, that is, the church.”
Now, this is a complicated verse. Because on the surface it seems like, what could be lacking in Christ’s afflictions, in his sufferings, in what he did on the cross? Now, stick with me, because if we can understand why Paul is saying this, it unlocks why he can rejoice in suffering for the good of others and why we can rejoice in our sufferings that will benefit others.
Facing Hard Texts
Now when we face hard texts that seem contradictory or hard to interpret, it is helpful to go find these words the author has used in other writings of theirs, and see how they used them.
So Paul actually uses this phrase in a different letter to a different church.
Turn in your Bibles to Philippians 2. Here Paul is writing to another church and he is saying - I’m sending a man named Epaphroditus to you.
“Therefore, welcome him in the Lord with great joy and hold people like him in honor, because he came close to death for the work of Christ, risking his life to make up (or complete) what was lacking in your ministry to me.”
Ok, there’s that phrase, to make up or complete what was lacking… and if we can understand how Paul is using it here, then we can apply it back to our other passage and see if it makes more sense.
In ancient Rome, Rome really didn’t care for their prisoners. Barely fed them, clothed them. And so if you wanted food and clothing, you had better hoped you had some people who cared enough to send you money and or supplies.
And so Paul is saying, thank you to the Philippian church who sent him money and supplies. And they sent it, through the person, Epaphroditus. They had to put it in someone’s bag and they had to make the journey to the prison. And Paul says this journey just about killed this dude, who risked his life to complete what was lacking in your ministry to me.
What was lacking?
Well later in the book we read that the Philippians had the money to send to Paul, but no one to take it to him.
He says in v10 of chapter 4:
“You were, in fact, concerned about me but lacked the opportunity to show it.”
You heard about my need in prison, that they weren’t feeding me and you had money to send to help buy me food but you lacked the opportunity to show it, your lack was that no one could bring it.
“But I have received everything in full, and I have an abundance. I am fully supplied, having received from Epaphroditus what you provided.”
When Paul uses this phrase lacking and fulfilling, he isn’t saying the gift was lacking, but that someone to bring the gift was lacking.
“Therefore, welcome him in the Lord with great joy and hold people like him in honor, because he came close to death for the work of Christ, risking his life to make up (or complete) what was lacking in your ministry to me.”
The gift of money to buy Paul food in prison was not lacking, it was present and more than enough. But someone to bring the gift was lacking. They weren’t adding to the gift. The lack was simply a messenger.
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for you, and I am completing in my flesh what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for his body, that is, the church.”
I think what Paul is saying here, is that the gift of Christ’s sufferings - that sinners are forgiven and cleansed and adopted into the family of God, is not lacking. What is lacking is a messenger to take the gift to people.
And so Paul, rejoices in being in jail for the sake of the Colossian church, because he is that messenger bringing the gift to the people.
Does that make sense?
“What is lacking is not the sufficiency but that the infinite value of Christ suffering on the cross is not known world wide.” And this gift must be carried by ministers and missionaries to the world who fill up what is lacking by carrying the gift onwards.
Not only that, but as the messengers suffer for the sake of sharing Christ, they display Christ’s sufferings. As Paul, rots in a jail, for spreading the message of Christ. As he says, bring it on to the suffering because my call from God on my life is to share this message and I don’t care what you to do me, I will share this message of God’s love in Christ.
He is displaying the sufferings of Christ to his people and carrying the message to them. This is how Paul saw himself.
“I have become its servant [the church], according to God’s commission that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known.”
What is your commission, your assignment, to in costly love show the message of the Gospel through your long-suffering love with someone?
What cost would you be willing to pay, for the spiritual good of someone?
How Do We Do This When the Cost Feels Impossible?
Here’s what you should say to me: what about when you don’t want to pay the cost either because the person is so hard to love or the cost is so high? Because that’s real life isn’t it? Anyone can sacrifice and love for someone who is easy to love and will love us back, or when the cost isn’t that costly.
But what about when the cost feels impossible to pay? Like to stay with this person, to stay in their life, to keep working for reconciliation, to keep killing my own sin as an act of love, to care about the good of them - it’s not even hard bc it will take a lot of work, it’s hard because I don’t want to.
How do we do this?
As we keep reading, I think we will find some answers.
2. Paul Explains the Message of Costly Love
Paul goes on:
“I have become its servant, according to God’s commission that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. God wanted to make known among the Gentiles the glorious wealth of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, warning and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone mature in Christ.”
The message was that God, since the beginning would bring both Jews and Gentiles into his family through the death of his son that would cleanse their sins and adopt them into his family. But what is so interesting here, is that when Paul talks about this mystery, the message he doesn’t say much about sin or grace or forgiveness, he says:
“God wanted to make known among the Gentiles the glorious wealth of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”
Christ in you.
Paul is teaching a theological reality here that we blow past because we don’t understand it or have heard this phrase before but haven’t actually considered it’s weight.
If you are a follower of Jesus, if you’ve given your heart to God and made Him Lord of your life - Christ lives within you. Union with Christ, is what the theologians call it. And in all of it’s mystery and complexity, that we could plumb the depths of, the simple truth is - Christ is inside you.
You are a new creation and Christ and the Spirit are in there, and why is this good news?
“We proclaim him, warning and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone mature in Christ.”
There is something about being in Christ and Christ being in you that, over time, and as we surrender to His work, matures us. That’s why Paul says not only I preach this message to present you mature, but present you mature in Christ.
In the Mind of Paul
Someone once came up to pastor Tim Keller and said:
“Pastor, I can tell when you are really prepared for your sermon and when you haven’t - when you are prepared you cite all kinds of sources, but when you aren’t, you just quote C.S. Lewis.”
And Tim Keller, responding to that in a book said - he was right. I had read and memorized so much of Lewis that he had re-oriented my thought life. I had internalized him so deeply that he just bled out of me.
I think what Paul is saying- with Christ in us, is that when we spend time with Christ, when we allow Him room in our lives, when we pray and read and wrestle with Him, what begins to happen is we deeply internalize Christ in a mysterious way so that as Paul says in another letter, Paul says in Galatians 2:
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
I think, the way Paul was able to suffer and rejoice in paying the price for costly love was because Christ dwelt so deeply within him that it re-shaped who he was. And just as Christ rejoiced in his sufferings for our good, so it shaped Paul to be able to.
I submit the same is true for us, as we grow in fellowship with God. As we walk with Him. As we see his love for us - it should be shaping us.
Our love for others is a direct window into how we view Christ love for us. If you are blown away by God’s love, you will become more loving. If you are indifferent about God’s love towards you, you will love little.
Sinful hearts can’t sustain costly love.
And so what this means is if you struggle to love, primarily what you need to grow in is not discipline, 2nd maybe, but not first. To grow in our love, we must look at God’s love for us. That's how you sustain love in hard times.
Obstacles of Love
Selfishness
A deep desire that puts myself above others. If that is my great obstacle to love…
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
In deep prayer - I have to ask God to crucify my selfishness - because my old life of sin was placed on that cross - and now, the unselfish Christ who loved me and sacrificed greatly for me in a selfless way - he lives in me. And so when you cut me, I bleed him.
Pride
I feel better than others, pride can make us unloving or unwilling to pay the cost of love for those “beneath us”. But really we have a false sense of self - that we are better than someone else?
If pride is my great obstacle to love…
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
In deep prayer and wrestling with God, I have to ask Him to crucify my pride, to level me, to humble me, and now, the prideless Christ who loved me and sacrificed greatly for me in a prideless way - he lives in me. And shapes my love.
Laziness
Sometimes we lack love for others, because we are lazy. Because it requires effort to love. To help them. To be generous. To engage in conversation after we are tired. To go help them move. To take killing my sin that is harming someone seriously…
If laziness is my great obstacle to love…
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
I must in deep prayer - crucify it, and see the proactive and initiating love of God towards me.
Hate
The extreme disdain or hostility for another. Sometimes, people have so wounded us, we find our hearts almost incapable of loving them. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? The wounds can be so deep. A ton of wisdom is needed in these situations, don’t try to navigate this by yourself. But just because someone has wounded you, does not mean you are off the hook of loving them. That isn’t what Jesus taught us.
If hate is my great obstacle to love…
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
Then I have to ask God to crucify my hate and see the Christ who I wounded, choosing love towards me.
Differences
Sometimes what blocks our love for others is our differences. Religious differences. Political differences. Personality differences. And love doesn’t mean we always have to agree with people - but it should shape how we treat people we disagree with or have differences with. This is going to be really important come election time.
If differences is your great obstacle of love -
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
In deep prayer - you have to wrestle with God why is this causing me to not love. Is it fear? Is it pride - that I’m always right? And see the Christ, who is utterly different than us and does not agree with how we have lived, sacrifice himself for us.
Ending
Story
Let me tell you a parable:
There was a up and coming business tycoon, in his early 30’s. He had a great job making great money. His boss called him into his office early one Monday morning and said the president of the company wanted him to be the next VP of a new branch they would open. This was a huge opportunity to make more money, grow in his career, and ascend the corporate ladder.
And if he was honest, his wife was a hard person to love. She wasn’t abusive or anything like that, he just found work easier, and that there personalities didn’t mesh well - and so if he was honest, he sort of enjoyed being out of home a bit more.
Fast forward a year, and the man has opened the branch and work is keeping him very busy, often working late into the nights and most weekends. He loves his work. And he’s doing all he can to make time for his family he knows God has called him to love his wife, and his wife is supportive.
But at the end of that first year, his wife starts to act different. Bubbly and life of the party she usually is, but she starts to withdraw and become more sullen. They find out she, for no seeming reason, has started to have a dark depression linger over her. So much so that she can hardly get out of bed.
The husband one night, pushes back from his desk at work and thinks… what am I supposed to do? My wife's illness has gotten so bad, she can hardly take care of herself at home.
He gets down on his knees and prays:
“Lord, what am I supposed to do? I love my wife, you know this! But this is my dream job and if I step away from this role, I may not get anything like it again. If you are really asking me to give this up to take care of my wife, I need some help.”
And in a profound spiritual moment for this man, the Lord said:
“Notice how I have loved you, at great cost to myself. Will you love your wife, at great cost to yourself for that is the call of picking up your cross and following me. I longed for your good, will you long for her good?”
The man wrestled with this encounter for a week. Struggling to put his career on the altar of love. Knowing as hard as work was, caring for a loved one with depression is beyond difficult. Even more so when she wasn’t the easiest to love at times.
When love is hard, costly - we must see that for God to love us, it was costly. And the more we see that, the more it shapes our hearts to pay the cost to love others and in so doing we spread the message of God’s love, just like Paul did.
That Sunday he was sitting in church and his pastor spoke on costly love, and at the end of the sermon read this sentence from Jesus, quoted in John 15:
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
That night he called his boss, told him he would be resigning from his dream job to go back to his much lesser role which allowed him more flexibility to love and care for his wife.
Fast forward 50 years - the wife is on her death bed. Her husband is there, holding hands.
“Why did you give up that job for me, she asks? You changed- you became more tender after that. You weren’t faking it”
“In doing this we don’t add to Christ sacrifices, we take it to others through our love.”
“Because I saw how much God had loved me and at what cost he paid to love me, and I longed for your good so deeply in that same way - I would pay any cost to love you.”
“In you” she said - “I have seen the love of God for me in a tangible way. Your hands, were his hands caring for me. Your patience, was his patience. Your love, was his love incarnate. I know God more deeply and feel more loved by him through your love”
Ending
I submit to you, Alpine, that what that man wrestled to do, to pay costly love was what Colossians 1:24 means:
“Now I rejoice in my sufferings for you, and I am completing in my flesh what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for his body, that is, the church.”
How is God asking you to love more deeply, but you have been neglecting it because it cost you something? - let sit
One might say that this is the vocation of the church: to take the sadness of the world and give back no anger; the sorrow of the world, and give back no bitterness; the pain of the world, and not sink into self-pity; but to return forgiveness and love, blessing and joy - N.T. Wright
